The Search for LOVE
by Denise Chan
16 September 2006
Ever wondered what
love is? Is it a feeling, passion, acceptance, or simply physical
attention? As a young child, I have often ached for the need for
this elusive thing called love.
Family
Especially as an only child, I have always yearned for my parents’
affection and affirmation. It was my starting ground in the search for
my self-identity and self worth. My parents, I thought, are the
best parents I ever had; they showered me with food and protection
throughout my childhood days.
Things came to a halt during my primary school days when my parents
faced trouble in their marriage. With their marriage on the rocks, I
struggled and wondered if I had a part to play in it. Fortunately,
they hanged on and I did not have to choose who to follow.
Gradually, my father grew more distant and withdrawn from the
family. I started to question my sense of identity as their child
and needed more affirmation.
Friendships
Friendships could be an option, this young mind thought. I developed
as many friendships as I could. But I grew to develop some form of
multiple personalities disorder. In order to gain friends, I would
speak and dress differently in order to gain their liking. I would
put on different sides of personalities with each and every
different friend I knew. If I had group gatherings, I would put on
my hyperactive personality. For others, I would turn on my silent
philosophical personality in order to sound like them.
Over time, I realized it did not work; I was getting suspicious of
friends. I grew jealous and emptiness filled my entire being.
Everyone had their own siblings and family at the end of the day.
Betrayals and disappointment in friends struck my heart. It came to
a point when I was an outcast during my secondary four days. I hated
a group of girls and decided to play a wicked prank on them. It
backfired, and I almost lost all my friends overnight. No one could be
there for me forever, I thought.
Boy-girl relationships
I thought that should be the only way to find love. That was what
was said in movies and television serials, right? I went into
several relationships, the longest was a year, the shortest was a
day. It was so hurtful to be in relationships. After the “honeymoon”
period was over, there grew mistrust, conflicts and hurt. What is love? I
thought it came from BGRs? Isn’t that so? I grew disgusted. Yet I
yearned for this elusive thing called love. I wanted a sense of
identity, I wanted acceptance. I wanted love.
Studies and school activities
Over the years, I strove to do well in studies and school activities
in order to gain my prominence. I did well, and made it into the
university. I was in the Prefectorial board, the Student Council,
Drama, and am known as the regular emcee during my schooling days. A
high flyer - all seemed great on the surface. But I was so lonely in
my heart, especially in the quietness of the night. The silence was
unbearable sometimes.
Beliefs
I was brought up as a Chinese worshipper who frequented temples,
participated in ancestral worship and elaborate rituals. I grew up
with a deep curiosity to discover the origin of life, believing
that there is more to it than a chicken and egg story.
With this intention in mind, I went through my childhood to teenage
years “investigating” the answers through different channels, all
to no avail. These so-called channels included literature (such as
philosophy, Chinese and Greek mythology), self-help books,
horoscopes, and even taking up Sociology (on the different kinds of
societal theories) and Science modules (on evolution) when I came to
University. I also decided to major in History in my quest for the
meaning of life. However, they just didn’t seem to quench my thirst
for a proper explanation as to what life is all about. I would
simply go through a cyclic pattern where I tried my best to follow
the beliefs and practices one after another. Somehow, I knew that
there was something wrong with my life, but I could not put a finger
to it. Is there a rational and scientific reason? At the same time,
I tried to look for the God among the different gods I worship. But
is there really one?
In University, I became an egocentric person who
felt that the world revolved around me. As you read earlier, my
knowledge of self-worth came from seeking popularity votes and love
from parents, friends and boy-girl relationships. Deep down, I was
also plagued by the guilt of many dark secrets.
Breakpoint
It came to a point during the last year of my university days, when
I was overwhelmed by the failure of my parents’ marriage. The blow
came upon me when I realized that I was born out of wedlock. Oh
gosh, no wonder the relatives seemed to look at me differently each
year during Chinese New Year. I hated my parents, because they
withheld the truth from me.
Family, friends, boys! None could satisfy my need for love.
Crossroads
It was also a time when I faced the crossroads of making life
decisions. What lied ahead of me should I graduate from NUS without
furthering my degree? None of my religious beliefs seemed to work,
and I felt lost and alone in the whole wide world.
During this crucial juncture, I got to know a classmate who shared
on how she came to Christ during her dark days of battling leukemia
[Her testimony is an amazing one!]. It was also during
this timeframe that I suspected how another close schoolmate of mine
was able to face the stresses of life in an amazing way because of
her faith in a Christian God. I also got reminded of an
exceptionally caring teacher from my secondary school days, who was
also a Christian. But even at that age of 22, I had no prior
knowledge of who Jesus was, let alone anything about sins and the
need for salvation. I was against Christianity due to previous
experiences and hearsays.
One evening, driven by a sense of depression, I shut my eyes after a
very frustrating jog and simply said, “Okay, if you’re a real God,
do something and please help me.” Immediately the next day, this
schoolmate invited me to watch the movie, “Passion of the Christ”
and started sharing bible verses with me. I was amazed to know that
there was a God who loved me so much that He actually sent His one
and only begotten Son to die for me. I also couldn’t believe it when
it was written in the Bible that “God is Love” (1 John 4: 16). The
different kinds of love that I had been searching for was not a
blind form of passion, but it is God Himself!
God is love. Can you imagine my shock and utter amazement when I
read that verse? Love is not a feeling, it is not blind emotions.
Above all, love is embodied in a divine, supreme being, and it’s God
Himself!
The Choice
I told myself that if He was a true God, the crux lied in Jesus’
Resurrection and the validity of the Bible. Skeptical, laden with a
curious heart, I was bent on finding THE answer. I came to a point
in life when I needed to “settle” my life before I could move on. I
reviewed the materials I studied since young, from history,
sociology, etc… I told myself that if I had to make this huge
choice of conversion, I needed to make sure.
Researched materials, articles and archaeological evidences through
books and websites told me that this must be a true God. I decided
to take the step of faith and accepted Christ as my Saviour and
Lord.
God is love
It’s been about two years since; my life has become so different.
Like a new creation, I feel as if I’m learning to live all over
again. God has shown me how loving and faithful He is. My infamous
bad temper seemed to have changed for the better. God taught me to
accept my parents for who they are and to learn to love them and all
the people around me. How can I not learn to forgive my parents? I
am now praying for their salvation, and I thank God for seeing me
through these 2 years in the house. It has been challenging, but the
Lord has been my strength. “But God demonstrates his own love for us
in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans
5: 8)
God also helped me to face my own ugly past, to admit that I was
wrong and that He alone has the power to forgive me. All these which
none of the previous gods that I had believe in, together with
evolution and superstitions, had been able to heal my hurts. The
Lord has seen me through as a student, and now, as I embark on my
beginning years as a teacher. It has been humbling, and exciting, to
be a vessel for the Lord as to how He enables me to face the
challenges of everyday life. My nightmares are gone, and I am no
longer plagued by the haunting thoughts of what I did in the past. I
am grateful for His forgiveness, and His grace. “Therefore, there is
now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because
through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from
the law of sin and death” (Romans 8: 1-2).
Coming into a personal relationship with God has been too beautiful
beyond words. God has humbled me to teach me that nothing by my own
deeds can gain salvation, but only by His grace and by Jesus’ death
and resurrection on the cross. For Jesus said, “I am the way and the
truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me”
(John 14:6).
God has shown me how to deal with my friends and boy-girl
relationships. I’m trusting in God, that my future relationship is
going to be with a man who is strong in Christ, who yearns to love
God, who is a man after God’s heart. I know it’s going to be very
different from the previous relationships that I had with the guys
who did not have Christ in their lives.
Love has ceased to be something that is elusive. Although I still
face problems and difficulties in my life as usual, life is no
longer the same. His peace in my heart and the promises of His love
in the Bible have been guiding me. I can never be alone again,
because God is with me all the time. I now know that all creation
and meaning of life point back to our Loving God. God has said in the Bible,
“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:
5-6).
There is no one else who loves me much more than God does. He loves
me more than I can love myself. Now that my life revolves around His
love, I can be secure and free to love my parents, friends and even
my enemies. If the center of my life does not rest on His love,
nothing else makes sense.
What about you? Do you want to experience true love? Come to know
Jesus. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only
Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal
life.” (John 3: 16)
Denise
